Sounds Quite Nice, But...

(Here is a small something to keep in mind before starting to read this quite lengthy post: I am NOT an extremist or a legalist, nor do I oppose "dating"... I think dating is a good thing, when done in a godly manner.)

Recently, I was asked to "QC-read" a book for potential group study material, a book on dating for Christians.
I take it as a privilege whenever I am asked to serve as the "quality control" person for books or materials; and since I enjoy reading a lot, I usually don't mind reading an extra book or two on top of my own leisure reading.
Since the topic for this "reading assignment" is especially important and meaningful for the group, I started this book with a prayerful heart, hoping to examine the book humbly yet fearfully so I can give faithful and truthful feedback.


Hmmm... now, I need to state this up front, this post is SOLELY my very own personal opinion, so if you are a big fan of the book, please do not take this as an offense by any means. --> my disclaimer here...

I first flipped through the book and found that it was a quite easy-reading book that I didn't need to sit down in a quiet place (uhh, I consider Barnes & Noble quite a quiet place for my quiet reading time... ) with a cup of tea and soft music for hours to finish at once. So I decided to take it as my bed-time reading, which, in many ways, is when I am most relaxed and want to soak into a book.

Then... as I started the first chapter, I started quietly screaming in my heart... NO!!! I disagree! I disagree! I disagree!

Okay, you can call me conservative, old-fashion, stubborn, or whatever... but, seeing a passage like "By its very nature, dating is experimental, with little commitment initially, so someone can get out of a relationship (right, dating and being in a  relationship is the same, AND it's "experimental"??!) without having to justify himself much (really?? that sounds very promising and respecting...). Putting lots of emotional investment into a relationship can be dangerous (what is this suggesting?)." really makes feel uncomfortable(, thus the italicized screaming inside of me).

What do I think?
(Now, as I am typing this, my friend who asked me to review the book "warned" me to be prepared that by sharing my views in my blog, I may scare some people, in ways... But then I thought, well, I don't have THAT many readers anyways... and nor would I really be bothered if people are challenged by what I believe to be true, so here it is.)

As followers of Christ, we must separate from the world's view on dating, it's quite common that God's way contradicts the world's ("If they have  escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and are overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning."  2 Peter 2:20).
While the world’s view may be to date around (recreational dating), I think the way to go is to discover the character of a person before making any commitment (yeah, so the "getting out of relationship without having to justify himself much" idea really scares me!) to the person. One should find out if the person has been born again in the Spirit of Christ (John 3:3-8) and if s/he shares the same desire towards Christ-likeness (Philippians 2:5). Running toward the same direction is the key.
By quoting my very much respected spiritual mentor "the ultimate goal of dating is finding a life partner" may make it sound so serious (and scary?), but it's the truth.

The way I look at it is that the goal of dating is to gain clarity regarding a possible commitment forward into marriage. Coming to clarity requires a commitment to honesty during the dating period. Two people can date and when they are honest with God, themselves, each other, and others, they will avoid crossing boundaries that lead to defrauding. This kind of honesty requires A LOT of courage and trust in God's faithfulness and perfect wisdom.
Even if the clarity that comes says "I could not be in a marriage relationship with you", the dating relationship can still be considered honorable and meaningful, if the commitments to honesty and courage have been upheld along the way.

Prayers and soul-searching MUST occur before a commitment to dating occurs.
Dating means putting each other on the line to a certain extend.
Being established in friend and brothers/sisters relationship in Christ is fundamental for starting a healthy dating relationship.
One (or two...) should NOT date to become friends.

Alright, back to the book.
My second internal screaming occurred when I read the "benefits" of dating listed:

1. "Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe context."
Uhh... perhaps people should learn enough about themselves through different friendships and activities before committing to a relationship? Also, what makes it "safe" to do so?


2. "Dating provides a context to work through issues"
Okay, this I could agree with. But why working through issues if dating is just "with little commitment"?


3. "Dating helps build relationship skills"
So, we are really separating the idea of "dating" and having a "significant relationship"? General relationship skills can be built by having regular friendships and other social relationships. 


4. "Dating can heal and repair."
THIS ONE WAS IT! It maxed my internal screaming capacity and I had to let it out into a very heavy sigh (so I don't wake my roommate up!). NO, I really disagree! ANY healing and repairing SHOULD be done prior to being in a relationship. A relationship is not about being rescued to rescuing, it is to walk/run/grow together towards the same vision and towards God, to love the Lord above all else, thus not making each other your"everything".


5. "Dating is relational and has value in and of itself"
I think it might very well be my poor English, because I was totally lost in what this was trying to say. Huh? I think this goes back to the very basic definition of what "dating" is that I've previously stated.


6. "Dating lets someone learn what he or she likes in the opposite sex"
Again, this can be done by having regular friendships and other social relationships. It's too costly to "date" to learn this.


I think by now, I have expressed by feelings about this book enough to give an idea on whether I recommended this book or not.
(However, I must stress: I think these six items could occur in a relationship with honest commitment, but shouldn't be in a "casual dating".)

The targeted group study members are single college students, female, Christians.

Perhaps it is the very fact that this category of people is special to me and close to my heart in terms of missionary visions, thus I was quite critical and protective as I evaluate the words and messages this book was presenting.

I am NOT denying the entire book, the book does contain some good points; however, I felt that the basic fundamental concept of "dating" wasn't appropriately defined by this book and it could post potential misunderstanding and misguidance.

Mentioning God and quoting the Bible don't make a book "Christiany", in my personal opinion, I'd rather call them "supported by some Christian perspectives".

Relationships is not about meeting each other in the middle-ground, it's really about going all the way for one another (within the proper boundaries emotionally and physically)



"Dating can be a great time of life, but it must be balanced with God's boundaries of what is good."
Should I agree or disagree?





"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23


"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11


"“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” -Maya Angelou